“Verity’s widowed mother has a new boyfriend. But is he really all he seems?”
Dun dun duuuuun!!!!
Picture this: your affluent, widowed mother suddenly brings a younger man into the picture. This is exactly the situation Verity finds herself in. Five years after losing her father, Verity’s mother seems ready to move forward, but the question is – what exactly is she moving toward? Is this man really who he appears to be, or is there more lurking beneath the surface? After all, when someone meets a man online, can they ever truly know who he is, especially after years of solitude?
At first, things seem promising. But as her mother begins to feel uneasy, Verity takes on the role of the concerned daughter and starts to dig a little deeper into Roger (or as I like to call him, Roger the Dodger!). That’s when things start to get strange. Dead birds are left on doorsteps, family photos arrive mysteriously in envelopes, and a sense that something is off grows stronger. The inconsistencies build, leaving Verity feeling more suspicious with each passing day.
Of course, when you start digging for secrets, trouble is sure to follow, and Verity soon finds herself tangled in a situation far stickier than she could have imagined. But Roger isn’t the only one hiding things.
The characters are well-written, and the plot keeps you engaged throughout. I absolutely loved the vivid descriptions of Gloucestershire. Seymour really does justice to this picturesque, historic gem (though, like any town, there are a few rough edges, but they only serve to highlight the beauty even more). The dialogue flows smoothly, even in the most awkward of moments, and there’s an unexpected touch of humor that lightens the mood when you least expect it.
In my opinion, this book is definitely worth a read!
Author Bio.
Just take a look at that picture—Seymour is a total bad ass! She kickstarted her career with a quick but impressive stint in PR in London before marriage whisked her away to Devon, where she somehow managed to raise five children (yes, five!). After having her short stories aired on BBC Radio Devon, she didn’t stop there—Seymour went on to write 13 novels (13! Does she do anything by half?!). And as if that wasn’t enough, she also juggles a career as a freelance editorial consultant specializing in crime fiction and thrillers (I wonder why?). To make her writing even more accurate and detailed, Seymour has “bent a few ears” of some very interesting people. Told you, she’s bad ass!
A story about a creative, caring, and strong young girl who has the most caring heart and see’s the world in ways we can all learn from! Shay knows just how special single parents are, and is excited to introduce you to the strong females in her family! When Shay turned 5, her Mum and Grandma got to work on making her party extra special! Shay is exuberant to invite her friend’s from school and just met a new friend Nala. Through Shay’s heart we see her embrace the world’s differences with love. When her Grandma makes her a cape and a crown, she feels the magic and power of the long line of strong women that surround her.
When I was invited to take part in this book tour after a long break from book blogging, I couldn’t resist! This was the perfect quick read to enjoy with my own five-year-old daughter, who’s being raised by some very strong, independent women!
The artwork in this book was absolutely charming! It’s vibrant without being overwhelming. What I really loved was how Grandma was portrayed as strong and independent—the kind of role model I hope my own daughter sees in me. Shay, the main character, was so full of energy, and her world was filled with wonderful women. It’s the kind of book that feels perfect for International Women’s Day, Mother’s Day, or any birthday celebration. What really stood out to me was how the book captured the different types of parental relationships in a way that felt accessible and relatable for young readers!
Author Bio.
Does Jaret Martino sound familiar to you? If you’re a fan of shows like Law and Order SVU, Teen Wolf, and Modern Family, you’ve likely seen him on your screen!
Jaret’s acting journey began at the age of six in theatre, and he has since appeared in numerous TV and film productions, including The Middle, Law and Order SVU, 30 Rock, One Life To Live, Modern Family, Teen Wolf, and national commercial campaigns for brands like Mastercard, Usher & Lady Gaga’s Tour Promo, Sonic, and T-Mobile.
He studied at Fordham University and The Lee Strasberg Institute, always prioritizing education. Jaret continues to hone his craft, learning from top industry professionals like Larry Moss. He also honors the memories of mentors like Gary Austin (Founder of The Groundlings) and Elizabeth Kemp.
Today, Jaret has expanded his artistry into writing and producing films that aim to shine a light on important issues. He founded a production company, with notable projects like Driven: The Documentary, which aims to inspire women, artists, and anyone chasing what seems like an impossible dream. Driven has played at film festivals worldwide and garnered support from companies like Microsoft and Step Up!
Through his company, Love Wins Productions, Jaret is creating original content and third-party productions that fit into today’s evolving media landscape. His work focuses on raising awareness for topics that deserve attention, with an emphasis on women’s empowerment, diversity, inclusion, and LGBTQIA issues.
Jaret’s award-winning films have been showcased across the globe, at festivals and on streaming platforms, where they continue to inspire and engage audiences worldwide.
From Love Wins Productions and Distribution and Gravitas Ventures, Feature Film, DONNA: Stronger Than Pretty is now available worldwide, everywhere you buy and rent movies! http://www.DonnaTheMovie.com
His latest release is Children’s Book, SINGLE PARENTS ROCK! celebrates the toughest job in the world and is available now on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Walmart and Target.
New York, 1987. Rory is a likable career thief originally from war-torn Belfast, planning out his next big score. A serial killer is murdering women in the city. But no bodies are ever found; just missing girls and cryptic plaques left on benches in Central Park. When the killer strikes too close to home, Rory becomes unhealthily obsessed with tracking him down. The cops begin to suspect Rory due to his lengthy criminal history, the press just want a sensational story, Rory’s partners in crime don’t want any heat, and the killers flourish in the chaos. “Sometimes it takes a thief to catch a killer”
What can I say? I’ve got a soft spot for a thief with a purpose, especially when that purpose is driven by something good. Rory quickly won me over—living in a big, bustling city (you know, the kind that never sleeps) can’t be easy when you come from a home country torn apart by war and loss. His determination to survive and his vibrant energy were so well-written, it really pulled me in and made me root for him. After all, a thief isn’t usually a character you can easily like, but with a backstory like his and a mission to catch a killer, it’s hard not to forgive his past!
Well-written, thoroughly researched, and skilfully crafted, Maltman has delivered an outstanding crime thriller that definitely deserves all the praise it’s been getting. This most definitely a “one to watch” author and well worth keeping your eyes peeled for future releases.
Author bio.
Simon Maltman is an accomplished author of novels, novellas, and short stories, with works published by various publishers. Hailing from Northern Ireland, he’s an Amazon Bestseller known for his gripping crime fiction thrillers. A familiar face at festivals and events, Simon serves as the tour guide for Belfast Noir and is a well-regarded book reviewer for outlets like ITV and several online journals. As a prominent figure in the Ulster Noir genre, he also writes high-concept thrillers set in America.
Everything you’ve heard about Wonderland is wrong.
Instead of falling through the looking glass, I’ve entered a cursed world where the tarot deck has come alive, there are impossible creatures that talk, and the high seas are deadly and filled with pirates.
My name’s Soren, and I’m not innocent. But my sister is and I’ll do anything to protect her. When my final con goes wrong and I steal a golden tarot card from a fortune teller that can open portals, I’m whisked away like Alice and the white rabbit, only it’s a spider who beckons me and Tarotland makes Wonderland look like a walk in the park.
I wake up on the ship of the Devil himself who brands me a spy, trading one jail for another. He has a darkness in him that sends shivers down my spine. Still, there’s something about him that piques my curiosity.
All I want is to get back home to my sister, but the only way to do that is to get the Devil to release me, and steal the Ace of Wands, a weapon of great power inside of this world. Unfortunately, it’s being protected by the Empress’s magic, and she wants my head on a platter.
Unless I can steal the Ace of Wands, there’s no escape from this world, and I’ll never see my sister again.
When the opportunity to dive into an alternative take on Alice in Wonderland came my way, I couldn’t resist! I’ve loved Lewis Carroll’s Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland ever since I was a little girl. At first, though, I didn’t see much of a connection between the two. In fact, for the first few chapters, I was struggling to find any resemblance at all. But then it hit me—it wasn’t so much about direct parallels, but more like an Easter egg hunt (think hidden gems you spot in DVD menus). As I read on, I began picking up on subtle references to other stories, and that made it a fun, unexpected adventure.
The mystical spider Soren follows actually gave me Charlotte’s Web vibes in a strange way, but it was clear that Wolf was taking the White Rabbit route with Soren’s journey. The pirates she falls in with initially come off as, well, pesky, but as the story unfolds, they start to grow on you! I loved how the characters had their own backstories, and the sudden twists in their motivations kept me on my toes. The story was full of those whip-lash-inducing moments that really made you question who to trust.
Now, as for the book—wow, it’s BIG. And I’m glad I went for the digital copy because sometimes huge books can feel a little intimidating at first. But once I got lost in Soren’s world, I forgot all about the book’s size. However, given that this is part of a series, I did find myself wondering if it could’ve been condensed just a bit. As much as I loved Soren’s journey, I’m not sure if I can commit to following an entire series if each book is this massive—it takes up a lot of time!
The characters were incredibly well-written, and the descriptions were beautiful. There was a touch of sadness, too. You could really feel the betrayal when characters you believed were on Soren’s side turned out to have their own hidden agendas. It added a layer of depth to the story that I wasn’t expecting.
Author Bio
Killian Wolf is a Miami native with a passion for pirates, rum, skulls, and weaving tales of dark magick and sorcerers. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in Cultural Anthropology and Sociology, along with a Master of Science in Environmental Archaeology and Palaeoeconomy.
Killian’s books delve into the pursuit of magical powers and the exploration of other dimensions. She now lives in England with her husband, a whirlwind of a cat, and the shyest snake you’ll ever meet.
When she’s not writing, you might find her on an archaeological dig, rock climbing, or sipping dark spiced rum while working on her latest painting.
How well do you know your neighbours? Odetta’s life has shrunk to a daily round of drudgery, running her father’s grocery store in a remote Albanian village. One day, an enigmatic stranger from Tirana turns up, promising her an exciting career in London. Odeta’s life is about to change, but not in the way she expected. Kate, a journalist, lives on a quiet London street, but her seemingly perfect life is filled with anxiety for her son, Ben. The boy is obsessed with online gaming but struggles to make friends. Kate sets out to create a simpler life for her family, disconnects them from the internet, and tries to build a community on her street. On a visit to her home village in Wales, Kate is forced to confront a secret from her past. But even greater danger lies where she lives. Perhaps her neighbours are not the friendly community they seem at first glance…
As a proud resident of Wales (I may not have been born here, but I’ve certainly been bred here), I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to be part of this tour, and I’m so glad I did—it did not disappoint!
The characters are enigmatic and strong, and the story is backed by incredible stamina and a fast-paced writing style. What truly stands out is the book’s powerful, timely theme surrounding human trafficking. It really makes you question how much you know about the people living close to you. The fact that such organized crime could be happening in a small town is absolutely chilling, especially since, sadly, it does happen.
I didn’t manage to finish the book in one sitting like some of my fellow tour bloggers, but I definitely struggled to put it down! The descriptions of places, the raw emotions of the characters, and the building suspense were all incredible. I’m so grateful to have had the chance to read Girl Out Of Sight!
Author Bio.
Helen Matthews is the author of gripping psychological suspense and thrillers, with a keen fascination for the darker side of human nature and how a single moment can change a life forever. Keep an eye out for her upcoming release, Girl Out of Sight, from Darkstroke Books—a second edition of her prize-winning 2017 title After Leaving the Village.
Earlier this year, her psychological suspense mystery, The Girl in the Van, was published by Darkstroke Books and was longlisted for the prestigious 2022 Pageturner Book Awards. A chilling page-turner, it delves into serious, complex themes such as personal grief, vulnerability, and society’s responsibility to the disadvantaged and dispossessed.
Helen’s previous works include Facade, a twisty noir about tragedy, guilt, and revenge in a family where “silence echoes louder than truth,” and Lies Behind the Ruin, a domestic noir set in France.
As an ambassador for the charity Unseen UK, Helen is available to give talks at festivals, author events, and local groups, sharing insights on the themes explored in her novels.
Ten years ago, three teens were murdered at a summer party in sleepy little Meadowstown. One of their friends was convicted of the murders and has been in a mental hospital ever since.
But now items are turning up which could have only been taken from the victims on that fateful night. Is it possible there was more than one killer? Or has the wrong person been convicted?
Det Sergeant Jack Brody of the Major Crimes Investigation Unit is sent to investigate. And comes up against apathetic local police who are determined to resist his every move.
Brody isn’t easily deterred. He pushes hard and becomes convinced the murderer is still out there, is stirring back to life, preparing to choose another victim. Brody summons the rest of his team, and they race to find the killer before he or she can strike again.
But this little town has some very dark secrets, and as Brody begins to uncover the horrifying truth, he realises that no-one here is safe, that even he and his team may be in terrible danger…
The Devil’s House – the first in the gripping crime series featuring DS Jack Brody.
I’ll start by saying this: the book was good and definitely intriguing. DS Jack Brody was well-written, and the descriptions throughout were excellent.
While I don’t know much about Ireland (I’ve never been but hope to visit someday), the small-town dynamics and attitudes felt spot on. Having lived in rural areas and small towns, I can say the vibes and judgments in this book are very relatable. The way the geography is described makes it easy to picture in my mind, and the people feel like the kind of characters you could easily find in your own hometown. This added a layer of authenticity to the story that I really appreciated.
There was plenty of suspense and a good amount of suspicion, but I felt like there could’ve been more. Since this is the first book in a series, I’m hopeful that O’Rourke will build on this in the next instalment.
Author Bio.
Originally from Mayo in the west of Ireland, O’Rourke has spent much of his life living abroad—in the US, UK, Europe, Jersey in the Channel Islands, and various parts of Ireland. He describes his younger years as incredibly restless. Leaving home and school at 16 to explore the world, he’s tried his hand at many different jobs, from barman and labourer to staff newspaper reporter, soldier in the Irish army, station foreman with the London Underground, mason, and more. Eventually, he returned to education as a mature student in the 2000s, earning a BA in History and Sociology from the National University of Ireland at Maynooth, followed by an M.Phil in Creative Writing (First Class Honours with Distinction) from Trinity College Dublin.
Before turning to writing, O’Rourke worked as a civilian employee for An Garda Síochána, the Irish police force—which likely explains his detailed knowledge and authentic portrayal of the force in his work.
Writing under his birth name, Michael Scanlon, O’Rourke published his first crime novel in 2019 with Bookouture, marking the beginning of a trilogy.
The Devil’s House is his first police thriller with Inkubator Books.
Five years ago, Helen lost her husband. Now she may lose her life.
Five years ago, Helen’s husband Paul went missing while skiing in the Swiss Alps. His body was never found, but he is presumed dead because no-one could have survived a night on that freezing mountainside.
It took Helen a long time to get over her loss, but now she has pulled her life back together – she is an acclaimed interior designer in a loving relationship with a new man.
Even better, Helen has just been offered her dream project, renovating a luxurious chalet in an idyllic location. There’s only one catch – it’s right next to the resort where Paul went missing.
She decides to take the job anyway, convincing herself that a visit to the scene of her great tragedy will actually be good for her, that it will give her a chance to lay old demons to rest.
But soon after she arrives, she makes an utterly shocking discovery and finds herself caught up in a nightmarish web of treachery and deceit where nothing is as it seems.
Only one thing is certain – the mountains want to claim another body…
Well that was a thrill ride of a book! I devoured it in a few days! There were time hops and changes of character narratives but those were clearly defined and made for smooth, transitional reading which just made sense. The characters were strongly written and plot was good-couldn’t argue with the story at all! At first I was umm-ing and ahh-ing at timings and thinking it was going to be a plot riddled with holes, but the more I read on, the more things added up and put pieces in place where they ought to be.
Having been to Switzerland, it was so nice to read a story set in this beautiful country and made me feel like I was back there (without the hefty flight and hotel costs!) and I do want to know what happened to Orla after the final page was read! Honestly this is a book I really recommend and would love to read more of Rijks’ works in the future.
Author Bio
Miranda Rijks is a writer of psychological thrillers and suspense novels. She has an eclectic background ranging from law to running a garden centre. She’s been writing all of her life and has a Masters in writing. A couple of years ago she decided to ditch the business plans and press releases and now she’s living the dream, writing suspense novels full time. She lives in Sussex, England with her Dutch husband, musician daughter and black Labrador.
Laura thought Robert was too good to be true. She got that right.
A small-town barbeque in summer’s dying days. There, gentle, bookish Laura meets a man who makes her laugh, hangs on her every word.
He’s the one. Isn’t he?
But once Laura falls pregnant, Robert’s mask slips further. She can never quite keep him happy. He is cold and judgemental with a temper that can flare up at any moment. He goes out for hours and won’t tell her where he’s been, he even locks her own door against her.
Laura realises she is living with a total stranger, a man governed by dark impulses and darker secrets who seems determined to gain control of every part of her life. Who is this man she’s living with and what terrible things has he done?
As Laura slowly discovers the truth about Robert, she begins to realise that she and her unborn child are in terrible danger. And finally she understands she will have to answer one terrifying question – how far am I willing to go to protect my baby?
I first came across Ian Maitland earlier this year and his book The Girl Downstairs, which was passed on to me by a blog organiser/friend and I devoured it on a mini trip to Italy over Easter. I was so eager to read more of Maitland’s novels so when this opportunity landed in my inbox, how could I say no?
I loved the concept and idea behind The Perfect Husband, however I do feel the book needed to come with a trigger warning because the description of coercion, gas-lighting, financial and physical abuse throughout the book and couldn’t be avoided. I felt uneasy and it stirred up a lot for me which made it an uneasy read for a lot of the time. Having said that, I did find that Laura was a frustratingly sweet character who was naive and believed in the best side of every person-much to her downfall.
A lot of the time you weren’t sure if what was being described from Laura’s point of view was actually happening or if it was her running through the worst case scenario in her mind, confusing at times but still very well written. I was sorry she was betrayed over again and had hoped for more of a future for her, I was cross with Andrew and felt he led her down the garden path a bit too much in order to get why he needed-it still seems to me that there is more to him than meets the eye.
Overall, if you’ve no experience with domestic abuse and are unlikely to feel somewhat triggered by the topic , it’s a good read that captures the mindset of the abused in a way that can only be described as well researched if not observed first hand. However, if you’ve ever witnessed or been through situations like these I’d say probably best to avoid this particular title-go ad read The Girl Downstairs instead.
Author Bio.
Iain Maitland is the author of three previous psych thrillers, The Scribbler (2020), Mr Todd’s Reckoning (2019) and Sweet William (2017), all published by Contraband, an imprint of Saraband.
Mr Todd’s Reckoning is coming to the big screen in 2023, courtesy of Infinity Hill, the team behind the award-winning BBC TV series Staged, starring David Tennant and Michael Sheen. Iain is also the author of two memoirs, Dear Michael, Love Dad (Hodder, 2016), a book of letters written to his eldest son who experienced depression and anorexia, and (co-authored with Michael) Out Of The Madhouse (Jessica Kingsley, 2018). He is also an Ambassador for Stem4, the teenage mental health charity. He talks regularly about mental health issues in schools and colleges and workplaces.
Emma Makepeace is about to have the longest night of her life.
She’s on her first major operation with a shadowy government organisation known only as ‘the Agency’, assigned to track down and save an innocent man wanted by the Russian government.
All Emma has to do is bring him in to MI6 before sunrise, and before an assassination team gets to him first.
But the Russians have hacked the city’s CCTV cameras. There are spies all over London searching for the two of them. And her target, Michael Primalov, doesn’t want to be rescued.
As London sleeps, a battle is taking place on its streets as Emma fights to keep Michael alive.
But what sort of reception awaits them if and when they get to MI6?
And why do the Russians seem to be ahead of them every step of the way?
WHAT A BOOK!!! Alias Emma has been described as a mix of Killing Eve and James Bond, and while I haven’t seen Killing Eve (please don’t come after me with pitchforks!), I can wholeheartedly say this is one of my best reads of the year! I was given a free copy of the book by the ladies at the Motherlode Book Club (check them out on good old FaceBook!) and as soon as I opened the first page, I couldn’t put it down!
First off, a female spy!!! What’s not to love about some serious girl power, especially when Emma’s background in the Armed Forces leads her to catch the attention of influential people just by doing her job and being a smart, quick-thinking woman. Then there’s the mentor—who is incredibly likeable and backs Emma 100%. And lastly, a smart and caring man who needs saving from the bad guys—what more could you want?
I’m not super familiar with London, but the descriptions of places and routes were so well written that I felt like I was right there with Emma and Michael, racing against time. The suspense was palpable, and the backstories were seamlessly woven in, making the time jumps easy to follow without any confusion.
Alias Emma is the first book in a series by Ava Glass, and I seriously can’t wait for the next one!
Author Bio.
Ava Glass is a pseudonym for an internationally bestselling author who has sold over two and a half million copies of her books worldwide. Her works have been translated into 25 languages and have topped bestseller lists in multiple countries. By writing under a pen name, she aims to reach an entirely new audience with Alias Emma.
Before becoming a full-time author, Glass worked as a crime reporter and civil servant. Her time in government exposed her to the world of spies, sparking a fascination that has fuelled her writing ever since. She now lives in the south of England.
I was given a free copy of Alias Emma via the Motherload Book Club, who worked in partnership with Cornerstone (Penguin Books) to give away 10 copies to club members.
A friend very dear to me, who I’ve worked with and become quite close to over the past two years, has used her (amazing and genius) creativity to share with the world her story and her life. I implore you, whoever you are, to read and share this blog. Talk about it with your friends, family, children and colleagues. This is a story heard too often and too often those who cause the scars and pain are able to walk away as if it never happened. And it has to stop.
Onwards and upwards
Updated: 1 day ago
Is it me? What I’m I doing… sometimes I feel like saying “well that’s a wrap”, maybe I should just thank people for their support and move on, but there’s a bigger picture than that. I was naive in thinking it would come to an end. Firstly with how many people are affected by this and how far it goes back… and when someone has gotten away with this for so long they just keep getting more and more dangerous and smug. I’ve been unable to talk about some of my feelings for the last year or so as there has been a police investigation going on, I’m still unable to share parts however what I can shine a light on I will. The investigation is over, unfortunately this is due to lack of evidence… but obviously we have no evidence it was years ago and my mother is being let’s say less than helpful. It’s frustrating, it’s upsetting but it’s not surprising.
Firstly before I start let’s run over a few points, a bit of a recap because I know friends, foes and ‘neutral’ parties will be reading this and I think it’s good to get some things out of the way firstly before I spill my feelings out once again. I’m aware I’m acting out of emotion they probably want this, it’s what narcissistic people do, they work on making us look crazy… I play into their hands, yep I’m self aware of that, but I have my reasons and I’m using my voice and my outlet because I’m an adult and that’s my prerogative.
If you have read all my other blogs then you can probably skip this part… if you haven’t read The shape of my art then none of this will make sense.
Yeah I tried to rebuild a relationship with my mum. She was ill I was naive, I tried way to hard and I regret it, now people are using this against all the facts.
Abusive people don’t show their true colours to everyone. They can be kind and charming when they need to be.
Kids often don’t realise what’s abusive or not, growing up in a toxic environment is confusing on many levels.
It doesn’t matter when you speak up or how much time has past, the truth is the truth end of.
All these people are not lying, in fact many are still staying quiet.
Yes when I was trying to make amends with my mother I let my daughter start to build a relationship with her too, this fills me with guilt and i’m gutted that I did this but I’m still a good mum.
It doesn’t matter if it ‘hasn’t happened to you’ I’m telling you now chances are if you live in Brecon you know someone even a friend of a friend who is somehow connected to this…
The reason I kicked off back last year about this was a younger family member came to me concerned about a few factors and as an adult I couldn’t stay quiet but I can’t get the authorities to listen.
Trust me, if I knew how bad some of it was there is no way I would have continued to play happy families for so long! Even I’m sickened and shocked by it all.
I don’t give a fuck that my old neighbours have seen me playing nice and taking part in the family for a brief part in my life, this was literally a fleeting moment, trust me now what happens behind closed doors is always a different story to people like that, totally get that it might seem odd to people that for a few years I try to forgive and forget. I was trying to do what I thought was right… remember I grew up in a abusive household where I wasn’t in control and my feelings never came first, so pushing aside my needs for the sake of others is engrained in me, also unfortunately we were very well trained at acting happy.
The people who read this, if you don’t believe me or the others ok, that’s up to you but If anything comes from this at all please, please, PLEASE let it be that you give this blog the benefit of the doubt and you stop anyone you know with a young daughter from going around that house or meeting up with him, being friends with him on social media. That is literally all that I ask, and that anyone who thinks they can help by sharing this blog does so, you don’t have to explain any of your experiences if you don’t want to, but by sharing we can spread some awareness but also show our support for each other and hopefully protect someone.
I got caught up in the romantic idea of having a ‘normal’ family and got carried away with having a mum while dismissing all my negative feelings that were damaging my mental health and having an effect on my judgment.
Why would any of us lie? What have we got to gain? I still have to walk around this town, think about that.
If someone came to you with disturbing information and you yourself had past experiences that were connected what would you do? Don’t begin to judge me if you have never been in my situation.
Some younger family members are saying i’m lying, I don’t blame them at all for any of their parts, they are children and they have a right to do what they feel is best. I want no negativity towards them at all.
Great, now that’s out the way… I don’t usually want loads of people reading my blogs, 30-40 views to me is always a comfortable number, however this one I want to be noticed more I guess. So again I’m asking if you can share please do.
My counsellor asked me again what I got from my blog. She asked what I wanted to achieve from sharing them. That question has been on my mind the last few days. It’s tricky, I’m still not sure, I think I want justice, I think I want awareness, I think I want to be heard, or I just need to do them perhaps. This one has been a long time coming well over a year in fact. I’ve been writing bits of this blog as I’ve been going through the police process, it also coincided with a stressful pregnancy and complicated birth (which is now done and Lunar is thriving). It’s been wild and life’s had ups and downs but as I’ve learnt over the past year or so story’s get told and life moves on. The phrase “it is what it is” is one I find myself using a lot in conversations. So here are a few of my diary entries for the last year that i’ve edited to make this blog-
The Blog
It was early hours of the morning, an unknown number was ringing me, that’s never good is it?!? It was the police, my life had always been hectic so the police ringing between the hours of 2am-5am wasn’t all that much of a shock unfortunately. My brother had almost died by suicide, I could hear him crying while the police spoke to me. Processing that kind of phone call is tricky, triggering and will really ruin a nights sleep.
The next day after he was released from the hospital I sat in a jail cell with him, he was confused and hurt, we were both exhausted. His mental health was extremely worrying, my anger growing. Why was I so angry? I was angry because I was sitting in a cell with my brother, I was thinking he doesn’t belong here. He belongs somewhere, but it’s not here… it was a battle, phone calls, police, I was almost begging for him to be sectioned to give me time to think of a more permanent solution, to get him help. I knew that the state he was in he would harm himself given the chance. I wasn’t going to let that happen, he is my family. I received a text from a number I’ve never had saved in my phone. It was from my mother, she was as cold as ever, “don’t let him home with you, he needs help”. There was no, ‘tell him I love him’, there was no ‘I want to help you, this is what we are going to do’, or no ‘what can I do to help’ … nothing, it reminded me how I used to feel as a child when she would do nothing when we needed her.
When she got ill I put aside all my hate, all my anger, all my frustrations and so much more. Because I thought that’s what I should do, she had cancer and I wanted to be a good person. After receiving that cold, inpersonal text from her it became apparent that she was still the same unloving, unsupportive cold person who’s first priority would always be herself.
I felt like I was going to pass out, I’d been at the police station for hours finally I’d got my brother into a unit where firstly he could detox in a safe environment and his mental health could be assessed while myself and other family members tried to get him into a rehab. I got home and had a shower where I cried. I took some deep breaths as the water washed away the day.
Some of my family members and myself spent the next few weeks sorting out a rehab while my brother waited for us to help. We love him, so we helped him, because that’s what family are meant to do! The NHS unfortunately don’t offer much help, and it’s all very tricky.
It was after this I decided enough was enough, we needed to open up about our childhood. It’s been difficult, from police interviews, to emails, to meetings and phone calls it’s all exhausting. I’ve unfortunately had police interviews before as a teenager, I’m open about this because I can admit my own wrong doings and can see that I was in no ways an easy adolescent. However I never deserved to get treated the way I did in my own home, the same with my siblings.
The police investigation was in many ways positive, my interview was filmed, it was sensitive, dignified and safe. That side of the process came with exhausting challenges however also relief in being believed. I wish I could share more details. I didn’t go to work the day after my interview because I was just so tired and I was throwing up. I was also pregnant at the time, I’ve been very open with my management and work colleagues through this process, which has been helpful on many levels. I also understand that this isn’t always the case for some people so I’m grateful for my support system.
I had a counselling session and I remember thinking after, “fuck do I have PTSD”… I grew up to afraid to sleep some nights and I have long lasting effects from those experiences. (FYI I also know some of my problems are down to my nerodivergent traits I believe i’ve mentioned that before in some past blogs). Counselling has helped me become much more self aware, it’s expensive though!
I used to live right across from my mother, that was tricky there was a time when I wouldn’t talk to her at all so living across from her was awkward! Then she started to creep back into my life and her illness got to my empathetic side. I regret this, I always see post on social media like “don’t hold grudges, you will regret not speaking to family members when they are gone” and all that blah, blah. This is toxic and a harmful message to push on people. So now I take my pills, I do my counselling, I create art and write to help regulate my emotions and intrusive thoughts… while they walk around calling me all sorts and get a sympathetic ear from people who don’t ask too many questions. But that’s fine, we all get freedom of speech right…
We live in a world where the people who come forward are more likely to get a backlash for speaking the truth than the perpetrators who committed the crimes are! It’s easier to pass off the truth as “causing a fuss”… we get told “be a voice, speak out” but then we get told to “be careful what information you share”. It’s frustrating too because you can tell that the police generally believe you when it comes to historical investigations, but they did make it very clear from the start “they are almost impossible to prove” I get it, but do I think they did enough? It’s tricky. It’s a difficult job, I get it, they were actually lovely at some points, the communication wasn’t amazing, but it’s clear to see that it’s the system that doesn’t do enough. We live in a world built up by angry men, for angry men to live in. And I know many people will disagree with that view, but think about… really think, imagine how hard it is to be in a scenario where you have to go up against someone who has constantly got away with disgusting misogynist behaviour in a world with a system run by misogynistic men. Fuck it’s frustrating, there are so many hoops I feel like a show pony from all the jumping!
When I posted my blog (The shape of my art) it got shared and commented as to be expected I guess, what wasn’t to be expected was the volume of messages and comments from people who had very creepy and dangerous experiences. I’m so glad I decided to write and share that blog! Yes there were times I thought maybe I’ve overshared, even though I held back. It’s a tricky one for sure right, how much is too much? How much isn’t enough? Why can’t we all just say what happened and be believed! I’m angry, but I’m also oddly at peace with some aspects of the last year, I feel more supported. When I got messages and I heard that people I knew and people I didn’t know had started talking about their experience because of the blog it was both as if a weight had been lifted because I knew people believed me but It was also triggering and distressing because I’m good at putting myself into how someone feels so my empathy became a little hard to navigate.
Some of the stories I was being told really got to me, I mean how can someone get away with all of that! Why is no one doing anything! And not just him, ALL MEN yes I said it, come at me. Firstly I know not all men are bad. Obviously but they have each other’s backs right?…Or they stay silent, FYI disapproving from a distance but keeping quiet isn’t helpful it’s harmful. We all need to speak up more, and trust me I get it I’ve been there we are the ones who get labelled as “difficult” or “starting trouble”. It’s funny right when men get caught out it’s always “oh she’s attention seeking” it’s like their ‘go to’.
It needs to be talked about more so lets say a ‘man’ hypothetically speaking (wink if you know you know right…) in a position of trust perhaps he’s a taxi driver, cadet volunteer, bouncer, personal trainer, fire fighter, or even an paramedic but he uses these roles to get away with harassing behaviour and goes for many years undetected. Then imagine it get’s even worse, he uses these jobs to make himself seam more and more trustworthy, safe, friendly, then he manages to get peoples personal details, such as addresses and phone numbers… hypothetically speaking…*winks again* sigh. This isn’t working, it’s hunting and young women and girls are the prey, how do you stop this?
So what’s a historical investigation? Again I can’t give all the information I’d like from my experiences, however talking on a much wider level anything that happened to someone as a child that is reported when they become an adult or after an amount of time has past is ‘historical’ and difficult to prove without, evidence, witnesses, physical evidence or photos etc. so yeah, it’s basically jumping through hoops hoping for some kind of miracle, and it takes years in some cases and unfortunately more than often gets dragged out so long that providing proof is difficult so a survivors feel as if their life’s are put on hold for so long they end up dropping the case. However, all crimes need to be reported when possible, big, small, historical or recent when something is logged at least it’s on file and can be used in connection with something one day if needed. I’m really not trying to put anyone off from seeking justice, or talk anyone into something they don’t want to do, I just want to be open about my feelings.
I found out the case had been dropped via a phone call, my heart sank when an unknown number rang me, it’s funny how you just know when bad news is coming isn’t it. I had a fairly lengthy conversation with the leading officer, again I can’t disclose too much information. She apologised for not being able to get us Justice, I thanked her for her time, and like that the phone call was over like the investigation. I lay my head on my bed and cried, thinking to myself ‘it’s all been for nothing’. I gave myself a little time, shortly after that my phone rang reminding me I had a meeting with some wedding clients. I had to snap out of my disappointment and carry on with my day, because in these situations that’s what we must do. We have no choice, it’s not fair and it’s hard, but such is life.
It’s gross and part of me would I love to share more details but that’s also unfair on others and that’s not me. Admittedly I wish more people would speak out more openly, speak, whisper, shout however you need to get your words out they matter, they are important, they will help others, invite people into your conversations, knowledge is power and we need to take our power back.
Ive grown from this, it hasn’t made me less of a person, it’s made me better, stronger, more empathetic, mindful, I know now that I have people…
Take a read at the blog that kicked it all off and if you feel you can help in any way please do. This is all true, in fact it’s not even the worst I could have written more, I could have got darker, this may seem like a rant however it’s the chaos I’ve lived. The shape of my art
It’s not a wrap though, let’s get that straight. Thank you everyone for your support and sticking with us.
My Art
So I also like to put some art into my blogs… after the case was dropped I decided to do some long exposures. Part of me wanted to lose my cool, to pick something and throw it, to scream loud and release my anger. BUT, that isn’t me now, I’m not that person. So instead I did a controlled long exposure of how I felt, this is all done in camera, I used a ring light. I basically just moved around really slowly with my shutter open, it was very therapeutic!
These are also long exposure, I really sympathise with anyone who has tried to get justice or awareness and has failed to do so, it’s tricky, it makes us feels small, but it’s when we feel small and lost that we can also become powerful, because that’s when we can find like minded people…
We had a night away last week, we stayed in a lovely B&B and visited the beach, we have two young children so of course there were a few stressful moments however in all it was a successful little family trip, it had laughter, love and a few tears but we all made some lovely memories. I took a 10 minutes walk along the beach on my own to take some photos, I stood in the sea and remembered the person I was a a few years ago, how far I’ve come and how far i still have to go, I felt happiness wash over me as the sea rushed to my feet. Sometimes life can seam very black and white, good vs bad, right vs wrong… however it’s much more complex than that isn’t it?
I did these images last week before I knew the case was getting dropped, I was feeling a little off about life I guess and wanted to do something meaningful. these images represent coping mechanisms but also ambition for change. I had also just got out of the shower and wasn’t dressed yet, like other blogs I often use my skin as a tool in my art work. I hate how our bodies have been over sexualised in not only the media but also our artwork, I love the simplicity of skin without clothing in images however when we do this our images get classified as ‘nudes’. I didn’t use any flash lighting just high ISO in camera. I really like the slightly grainy look and moodiness to them.
I did these images a while ago, I was pregnant at the time and the investigation was in full swing, I was having some really full on nightmares and hormonal. I guess I reopened some doors that were stressing me out! I really like these images though, I’ve already shared them before in an older blog however they are definitely relative to this one!
Morelli’s Reads 